Um...the little "Satisfied" guy won't go away. I'd probably put something more like... "Shitty," if it would let me change it.

I'm not real sure how to start...or what I want to say. I guess I just kinda want to talk to somebody. A little. Mostly I just want to throw up and go to sleep. I don't know.

Everything's reminding me of Before nowadays; I can't even get on dA sometimes without having to leave immediately and go to, like, youtube. That rarely has anything too horribly reminiscent--not on the front page, at least.

And I hate that.

I hate having to go out of my way to keep myself from losing it--when she can do whatever the fug she wants and traipse all over my life. For example: I had a certain specific lunch table that I sat at every day, even before she went to public school. Now that we don't speak, she won't let me sit there with my friends--thy always steal it. And, yes, it matters. It matters to me. I'm a sentimentalist--and OCD. I have to have everything a certain way and never changed. I'm like an autistic child, really, and in a lot of ways. (I'm literally crazy; that fact is already established.) I have to sit at the same place, with the same people, and do essentially the same thing every day.

But I can't now. She stomped and squashed my routine--and my small amount of sanity with it--then burned the remains. She knew I wouldn't touch it then, engulfed in probably the (physical) thing I fear most.

She has ruined my life in its entirety...so, does that make it sick to want it all back? To want her by my side, laughing and goofing off--having a genuinely grand time in her own little world? To have my first friend, and first anything close to a sister, back? I love Maggie--honestly; with all my heart--but...is it sick to want everything back to the way it used to be? I miss Derek. And Chad. And being able to go to church if I wanted. Seeing nice, friendly people who I know I don't have to worry about--like I do everyone else.

Is that sick?